For the Love of Amila: Ive Only Just Begun...

For the Love of Amila: Ive Only Just Begun...: So... its been a while. This food addiction is more deeply rooted than I ever dreamed. Over the last few months I haven't really tried t...

Ive Only Just Begun...

So... its been a while. This food addiction is more deeply rooted than I ever dreamed. Over the last few months I haven't really tried to change the good habits I already have in place. Rather I've questioned every time I feel a binge or unnecessary eating going on. Why am I eating a whole bag of microwave popcorn at 11pm, am I truly hungry? Whats bothering me enough to binge on Chinese takeout? What am I hiding from? I've really tried to see whats caused this. I eat to hide from feelings I don't want to deal with. Anxiety at night because I dread going to sleep even though I'm exhausted. I know I'm going to hurt so bad in the morning that I cry for an hour. I binged on Chinese because our finances really sucked for that week (most weeks really!). I eat because I'm lonely, hurting, angry, anxious, sad, grieving, etc. Yes, folks, I'm an emotional eater. That's the ugly truth.

Jesus has taken me thru this time to help me uncover all this dirty, messy, ugly stuff. This is where I'm humbly on my knees(a modified version right now) thanking Him for His unconditional Mercy & Grace. I think those two words should be capitalized. (I went back & did it) There is NO condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). Those words from my  childhood (and  while Ive been an adult) creep in, threaten to steal away my footing. The abuse seems to just wander back to me, cool as you please. I know this is not what my Jesus would want. I just pray. PRAY PRAY PRAY. Going thru this dark valley has been, well, just crap! (I put 20 different words there , but none of them fit!)Thru prayer, support from my awesome Hubby, fantastic family & friends, I am confident that God above will lead me- as long as I let Him. One step at a time. I must remain patient (hahahah) & just let my Heavenly Father have control. I know there will be more ugly, dark, & scary places to go thru. And I'm sure Ill get knocked around & fall on my butt once in a while. Lord knows Ill stumble, klutz that I am. But as a very wise, wonderful Lady (That has endured more pain than anyone should ever have to & that I love very much, just said to me just last night) Sometimes you have to LEARN to crawl before you walk. Well, folks, I'm learning. And I know Ive only just begun.

Soo... Here goes. Hi. My name is Melissa & I'm a food addict. This is a blog about my fight to save my life, have the family Ive always wanted with my Hubby, & figure out just what Jesus wants me to do on this earth. 
My life these days seems to blend one day to the next. I'm just going thru the motions mostly. Not really feeling like I'm accomplishing anything significant.Always feeling like I'm striving for a truly unattainable place of completion or satisfaction.
 It seems everyone around me is doing what I yearn for most. Someones getting weight loss surgery after barely even trying to lose weight. Most likely their surgery isn't going to be effective because they aren't making the necessary life style changes. Everywhere I turn there is some else pregnant. Usually someone young, unmarried, or someone that says "Oops, I didn't take my birth control,I wasn't planning on getting pregnant, I really didn't want a baby" I get nauseous & silently angry about the whole mess. Especially where it seems they don't understand the gravity of the most beautiful & precious gift of that child they're carrying. And when someone just walks into their Doc & says "Hey, I'm fat. Fix it". Approved, stamped & delivered. That easy. And here I am... Insurance "specifically excludes weight loss surgeries or procedures". Ive been literally a month away from surgery when my Hubby lost his job & COBRA was out of reach. Yes. I still cry about that once in a while. But recently I realized that I need to be on my knees in prayer to the Lord Most High. I cant be stuck in the pit of "poor pitiful me" long, or Ill drown in a sickening cess pool of muck & mire of self pity & wounded pride. I need to lay all my plans at the feet of Jesus. Apparently, to this point in my life, my navigation skills have always taken the longest , hardest , bumpiest route EVA! Well, (cliche as it may sound), Jesus take the wheel. I don't want this anymore. A song from Tenth Avenue North best explains it, "Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you Lord." So,my Creator King, I'm going to give it all to you. I cant promise I wont struggle to hand things to You, or snatch them back from You once in a while, or fight to fix things myself still. But, with Your help, I'm praying for strength, peace, & mostly Your love that never fails. I thank you in advance. I truly hope You know what You're in for. Sincerely, Your Daughter.