Ive Only Just Begun...

So... its been a while. This food addiction is more deeply rooted than I ever dreamed. Over the last few months I haven't really tried to change the good habits I already have in place. Rather I've questioned every time I feel a binge or unnecessary eating going on. Why am I eating a whole bag of microwave popcorn at 11pm, am I truly hungry? Whats bothering me enough to binge on Chinese takeout? What am I hiding from? I've really tried to see whats caused this. I eat to hide from feelings I don't want to deal with. Anxiety at night because I dread going to sleep even though I'm exhausted. I know I'm going to hurt so bad in the morning that I cry for an hour. I binged on Chinese because our finances really sucked for that week (most weeks really!). I eat because I'm lonely, hurting, angry, anxious, sad, grieving, etc. Yes, folks, I'm an emotional eater. That's the ugly truth.

Jesus has taken me thru this time to help me uncover all this dirty, messy, ugly stuff. This is where I'm humbly on my knees(a modified version right now) thanking Him for His unconditional Mercy & Grace. I think those two words should be capitalized. (I went back & did it) There is NO condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). Those words from my  childhood (and  while Ive been an adult) creep in, threaten to steal away my footing. The abuse seems to just wander back to me, cool as you please. I know this is not what my Jesus would want. I just pray. PRAY PRAY PRAY. Going thru this dark valley has been, well, just crap! (I put 20 different words there , but none of them fit!)Thru prayer, support from my awesome Hubby, fantastic family & friends, I am confident that God above will lead me- as long as I let Him. One step at a time. I must remain patient (hahahah) & just let my Heavenly Father have control. I know there will be more ugly, dark, & scary places to go thru. And I'm sure Ill get knocked around & fall on my butt once in a while. Lord knows Ill stumble, klutz that I am. But as a very wise, wonderful Lady (That has endured more pain than anyone should ever have to & that I love very much, just said to me just last night) Sometimes you have to LEARN to crawl before you walk. Well, folks, I'm learning. And I know Ive only just begun.